英语幽默段子篇一：【英语趣闻】美国人最喜欢的幽默段子
【英语趣闻】美国人最喜欢的幽默段子
1、I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. 我的品味最简单了，我总是对最好的感到满意
注：前一句好像在说自己对品味要求不高
2、If you love something set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes.”
如果你爱某人，就给他自由，但是如果他患了疱疹回来，你不要吃惊
3、Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.
智慧来自经验，经验常常是缺少智慧的结果
4、Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
嘿，Rosalie？你知道怎样淹死一个金发美女吗？在池塘底部粘上一面镜子 注：美国有不少说金发美女愚蠢的笑话，在池底照镜子被淹死了
5、In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
起初，什么也没有，然后就爆炸了
注：宇宙中最早什么也没有，然后就大爆炸了
6、Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
生活不模仿艺术，它模仿糟糕的电视节目
注：人们的生活没有那么高的艺术性，年轻人模仿一些糟糕的电视节目而已
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7、To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.
失去一个父母可能会被认为是不幸，两个都lose(失去，走丢)看起来就像是粗心了。
注：第一个“lose”是“失去”的意思，第二个”lose”应该是“丢失”的意思，没看好父母，把父母丢了，这孩子太粗心了。
8、What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course”
我在床上穿什么？
——这还用问吗？当然是香奈儿5号
9、The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.
我岁数越大越不相信“岁月带来智慧”这种熟悉的说法。
注：意思是“我岁数越来越大，可为什么还不见智慧的到来”。
10、The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.”
商业上激烈竞争的不幸是，即使你胜了，你依然是一只老鼠
注：rat race(商界的)激烈竞争；字面意思：老鼠竞赛
11、Just because you're beautiful and perfect,it's made you conceited. 正是因为你美丽、完美，才让你变得自负
注：真会夸人
12、Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
老鼠是要让我们明白，自然界不是每样东西都有用途
13、The covers of this book are too far apart.
这本书的封面相距太远了
注：说那本书很厚
14、That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
这就是他们为什么称之为美国梦，因为你一定要睡着了才能相信它
15、You're an idiot.
I've never claimed to be otherwise.
你是个傻瓜
——我从来没有声称我不是
16、Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.
自信是无知，如果你感到过于自信，那是因为有些事情你不知道
17、Technically, I am unarmed. But no one should ever underestimate the harm that fingernails can do. Especially if the target is unprepared.” 严格法律意义上讲，我没带武器，但是谁也不应该低估指甲能够造成的伤害，特别是如果目标没有准备
18、There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.
世界上只有一件事情比被人谈论更糟糕，那就是不被人谈论
注：很多演员说讨厌被人八卦，不被人八卦才着急呢
19、If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster.
如果我的医生告诉我，我的生命只剩下6分钟了，我就不会沉思了，我打字会更快一些
20、Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.
哦，上帝，如果你原谅我跟你开的小玩笑
我会原谅你跟我开的大玩笑
英语幽默段子篇二：幽默英语小段子R
【第一条】
Examination and many children, so that the number of honest learned cheating. 考试害了多少个孩子，让多少诚实的孩子学会了作弊。
【第二条】
For beautiful eyes, on the line, and told myself, my wife than they were.
对于美女，看两眼就行，转身告诉自己，我老婆比她们都好。
【第三条】
Did you find, those who hate you, looks very ugly.
你有没有发现，那些讨厌你的人，长得都特别丑。
【第四条】
Since I will play QQ, I found my pinyin is getting better and better, the study did not have this effect.
自从会玩QQ后，我发现我拼音越来越好了，读书都没这效果。
【第五条】
I have a flirt with hot chicks ability, but he is a girl.
我空有一身泡妞的本事，可惜自己是个妞。
【第六条】
I do not smoke cigarettes, is not lonely, second-hand smoke!
我抽的不是烟，也不是寂寞，是二手烟！
【第七条】
Examination of people rely on strength, and I rely on the rich imagination.
考试有人靠的是实力，而我靠的是丰富的想象力。
【第八条】
Abroad: Thought and ability is the key, the domestic: relationship and can run. 国外：思想和才能才是王道，国内：关系和马屁才能横行。
【第九条】
The teacher said to hear and fine, I know he's salary.
听到老师说又要开始罚钱，我就知道是他工资花完了。
【第十条】
The man called the romantic love rich, rich in the coquettish woman.
男人情史丰富那叫风流，女人情史丰富那叫风骚。
【第十一条】
One, two people, three person is to fight at outrance.
一个人快活，两个人生活，三个人就是你死我活。
【第十二条】
Grandpa Mao said, not to marry for the purpose of making object is bullying. 毛爷爷说，不以结婚为目的的搞对象都是耍流氓。
【第十三条】
Brother, you have to face the resolution is good?
大哥，把你脸上的分辨率调低点好吗？
【第十四条】
In heaven there is no white out the pie, but white out the bricks.
天上没有白掉的馅饼，倒有白掉的砖头。
【第十五条】
Ideals are like the pants, have, but not everyone can go to prove that you have! 理想就像内裤，要有，但不能逢人就去证明你有！
【第十六条】
More to their fucking great time also can not compare with idiot years.
再多各自牛逼的时光 也比不上一起傻逼的岁月。
【第十七条】
Thinking of how far, how far you roll; light how fast, how fast you roll.
思想有多远，你就滚多远；光速有多快，你就滚多快。
【第十八条】
Chinese two big characteristics: one, don't love the truth; two, do not want to hear the truth.
中国人就两大特点：一，不爱说实话；二，不爱听实话。
【第十九条】
You look very Chinese, very dedicated, very backbone.
你长的很爱国，很敬业，很有骨气。
【第二十条】
Germany is the only woman, I think I must be too mean.
女子无才便是德，我想我一定是太缺德了。
英语幽默段子篇三：英语幽默句子
幽默的英语句子
1) Money is not everything. There?s Mastercard & Visa.
钞票不是万能的，有时还需要信用卡。
2) One should love animals. They are so tasty.
每个人都应该热爱动物，因为它们很好吃。 3)Save water. Shower with your girlfriend. 要节约用水，尽量和女友一起洗澡。
4)Love the neighbor. But don?t get caught.
要用心去爱你的邻居，不过不要让她的老公知道。
5)Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two. 每个成功男人的背后，都有一个女人。每个不成功男人的背后，都有两个女人。 6)Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
再快乐的单身汉迟早也会结婚，幸福不是永久的嘛。
7)The wise never marry, And when they marry they become otherwise.
聪明人都是未婚的，结婚的人很难再聪明起来。
8)Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
成功是一个相关名词，他会给你带来很多不相关的亲戚（联系）。
9)Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
不要等明天交不上差再找借口，今天就要找好。
10)Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.
爱情就象照片，需要大量的暗房时间来培养。（老外也保守，要摸黑办事，哈哈）
11)Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children. 后排座位上的小孩会生出意外，后排座位上的意外会生出小孩。
12)"Your future depends on your dreams." So go to sleep. "
现在的梦想决定着你的将来"，所以还是再睡一会吧。
13)There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.
应该有更好的方式开始新一天，而不是千篇一律的在每个上午都醒来。
14)"Hard work never killed anybody." But why take the risk? "
"努力工作不会导致死亡！"不过我不会用自己去证明。
15)"Work fascinates me." I can look at it for hours! "
"工作好有意思耶！"尤其是看着别人工作。
16)God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.
神决定了谁是你的亲戚，幸运的是在选择朋友方面他给了你留了余地。
17)When two?s company, three?s the result! 两个人的状态是不稳定的，三个人才是！
18)A dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view. 服饰就象铁丝网，它阻止你冒然行动但并不妨碍你尽情的观看。
19)The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So why bother to learn.
学的越多，知道的越多，知道的越多，忘记的越多，忘记的越多，知道的越少，为什么学来着？
1.国外有个节目采访lord of ring（指环王）里面那个小哈比人时，他讲了个冷笑话：Q: a deer, has no eyes, what's its name？（一只鹿，没有眼睛，应该叫什么？）
A: I don?t know ,what is it？（我不知道，该叫什么？）
Q: no eye deer……(no idea)（没眼睛鹿……没主意（英语口语的谐音））
agian, a deer has no eyes, no legs, what's its name？（那么，一只鹿，没眼睛，也没有腿，该叫什么？）
A: I don?t know, what's it then？（我还是不知道，应该叫什么？）
Q: still no idea……”（还是没眼睛鹿（用了谐音））
2.某次英文考试有两道题目：
1）我穿上外套，却发现第一个扣子掉了。
2）他听见电话铃响，就过去接了电话。
正确答案应为：
1）I put on my coat and found its first button was gone.
2）As soon as he heard the phone ringing, he went to pick it up.
但是某生的答案是：
1）Shit!
2）Hello?
3老师在黑板上写了一句：Time is money，并让同学们翻译。
有名学生答道：“汤姆是玛丽。”
4小明上英文课时跟老师说：May I go to the toilet?
老师说：Go ahead.
小明就坐了下来。过了一会儿，小明又跟老师说：May I go to the toilet?
老师说：Go ahead.
小明又坐了下来。他旁边的同学于是忍不住问：你不是跟老师说要上厕所吗？怎么不去？小明说：你没听老师说「去你个头」啊！
5某日刘洪涛遇到外宾，上前搭话曰：I am hongtao liu．
外宾曰：我他妈还是方片七呢！
6江青会见外宾，要求翻译要严格按她的意思翻，不许走样。
外宾一见到江青，立刻拍马屁道："Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful."
翻译照翻，江青心花怒放，嘴上还要谦虚一下：“哪里，哪里”。
翻译不敢怠慢，把江青的话翻成英文："Where? Where?"
外宾一愣，还有这样的人，追问哪里漂亮的，干脆马屁拍到底："Everywhere, everywhere."翻译：“你到处都很漂亮。”
江青更高兴了，但总是要客气一下：“不见得，不见得”。
翻译赶紧翻成英文："You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see."
7一对热恋中的男女。女生非常没有安全感，于是对着男友说：“SAY (转 载于:wWw.zhAoQT.neT 蒲公 英文摘:英语幽默段子)?I LOVE YOU!!?SAY IT! SAY IT! SAY IT!”
男的答道：“IT!”
8某人刻苦学习英语，终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞，
忙说：I am sorry.
老外应道：I am sorry too.
某人听后又道：I am sorry three.
老外不解，问：What are you sorry for?
某人无奈，道：I am sorry five.
9某男，亦粗通英文，至使馆，有表要填，有一栏是：Sex，该男思之久已，毅然下笔：“Once a week”。
签证官观后暴笑，曰：“This item should be filled in with male or female.”
该男顿时赧颜，思之，填下“female”，官楞之，曰：“shouldn?t it be male?”
男急释曰：“I am a normal man, so I have sex with female.
和“Kiss”有关的词汇
kiss-ass n.马屁精,谄媚者, 奉承
kiss good-bye 吻别, 放弃,失去
kiss of death n.死神之吻，乍看有益但会导致毁灭的行为
kiss of life n.生命之吻
kiss of live n.口对口人工呼吸
kiss of peace [宗] 接吻礼,团结友爱的接吻
kiss the rod v.甘心受罚
kiss the post v.吃闭门羹；为时过晚
blow a kiss 飞吻
vacuum kiss 真空吻（*ing the air out of one?s partner?s mouth and lungs）
French kiss 法式接吻（kiss with your mouth open and your tongues touching）Platonic kiss 柏拉图之吻（short kiss on the check for greeting）
Smooch v/n 热吻
Peckn 匆匆轻吻
经典英语绕口令
1. Canners can can what they can can but can not can things can't be canned.
2. Bill's big brother is building a beautiful building between two big brick blocks.
3.Please, Paul, pause for applause.
4.“Shall I show you the shop for shoes and shirts?” Shirley said to shelly.
5.Do you agree, if you are free to come to tea with me by the sea?
6.Paul called from the hall that he had slipped on the floor and couldn't get to the door.
7.I'd buy my ties before the price begins to rise.
8.A snow-white swan swam swiftly to catch a slowly swimming snake in a lake.
9.It is a fine thing to sing in Spring, I think.
10.Famine and failure faced the frightened farmer.
11.I am amazed it is a craze these days to dance to music of Jazz.
12.In winter the weather in Wales is wild
13.I know. You know. I know that you know. I know that you know that I know.
14.Mike likes to write by the nice bright light at night.
15.Peter piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
英语谚语500句 （A:51--100）
51)A man becomes learned by asking questions.
不耻下问才能有学问。
52)A man can do no more than he can.
凡事都应量力而行。
53)A man cannot spin and reel at the same time.
一心不能二用。
54)A man is known by his friends.
什么人交什么朋友。
55)A man of words and not of deeds is like a garden full of weeds. 光说空话不做事，犹如花园光长刺。
56)A man without money is no man at all.
一分钱难倒英雄汉。
57)A merry heart goes all the way.
心旷神怡，事事顺利。
58) A miss is as good as a mile.
失之毫厘，差之千里。
59)A mother's love never changes.
母爱永恒。
60)An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
一天一苹果，不用请医生。
61) A new broom sweeps clean.
新官上任三把火。
62) An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.
以眼还眼，以牙还牙。
63) An hour in the morning is worth two in the evening.一日之计在于晨。
64) An old dog cannot learn new tricks.
老狗学不出新把戏。
65) An ounce of luck is better than a pound of wisdom. 聪明才智，不如运气。
66) An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
预防为主，治疗为辅。
67) A rolling stone gathers no moss.
滚石不生苔，转业不聚财。
68) As a man sows, so he shall reap.
种瓜得瓜，种豆得豆。
69) A single flower does not make a spring.
一花独放不是春，百花齐放春满园。
70)A snow year, a rich year.
瑞雪兆丰年。
71) A sound mind in a sound body.
健全的精神寓于健康的身体。
72) A still tongue makes a wise head.
寡言者智。
73) A stitch in time saves nine.
小洞不补，大洞吃苦。
74) A straight foot is not afraid of a crooked shoe.
身正不怕影子斜。
75) A wise head makes a close mouth.
真人不露相，露相非真人。
76) A word spoken is past recalling.
一言既出，驷马难追。
77) A year's plan starts with spring.
一年之计在于春。
78) A young idler, an old beggar.
少壮不努力，老大徒伤悲。
79) Bad news has wings.
好事不出门，坏事传千里。
80) Barking dogs seldom bite.
吠犬不咬人.
81) Beauty lies in the love's eyes.
情人眼里出西施。
82) Be swift to hear, slow to speak.
听宜敏捷，言宜缓行。
83) Better late than never.
不怕慢，单怕站。
84) Better to ask the way than go astray.
问路总比迷路好。
85) Between friends all is common.
朋友之间不分彼此。
86) Birds of a feather flock together.
物以类聚，人以群分。
87) Blood is thicker than water.
血浓于水。
88) Blood will have blood.
血债血偿。
89) Books and friends should be few but good.
读书如交友，应求少而精。
90) Business is business.
公事公办。
91) Business is the salt of life.
事业是人生的第一需要。
92) By reading we eich the mind, by conversation we polish it.读书使人充实，交谈使人精明。
93) Cannot see the wood for the trees.